It all started innocuously enough. Chamo gave me a ring on the cell to let me know that Stuart Holden tweeted back at us about our post and subsequent tweet that he was one of our favorite Twitter users. I asked Chamo if he was on gchat and we continued our discussion there covering some business items. Our business items primarily go like this. First, we start talking about things like BallHype and how Google ignores our site in its free time and how we can't figure out why it doesn't like us. Then it quickly proceeded to the real business at hand, where Chamo began talking trash about how bad he was going to beat me in FIFA10, and how I would soon be owing him lunch, quite likely a tasty ABC burger from Firestone in San Luis Obispo. Quickly it escalated to me telling Chamo what a joke of a business partner that he is and that my back hurts almost every day, from carrying the team. I believe he responded with telling me that he is Constantly Offside. It then got abrasive as he asked if it was too early to congratulate himself on calling the fact that Oguchi Onyewu would likely ride the bench at AC Milan and I expressed my disappointment in the fact that I no longer live close enough to him where I can get to his house in a moment's notice, tell him he right, because he loves when anyone strokes his enormous ego, and then punch him in the face for good measure. In that moment however, there was a breakthrough. I discovered Onyewu's problems at Milan and the solution all in one moment of brilliance.

Now many people have been concerned about the time (or lack thereof) that Onyewu is currently seeing at Milan. I am one of these people. As a staunch supporter of the US and someone who is overly concerned with the team's chances of qualification, solving this problem is incredibly important to me. With DeMerit out with an eye problem, and the fate of my trip to South Africa next summer in the ever so capable hands of the US backline, I want to ensure that Gooch is on form and ready to qualify so that Chamo does not spend our entire trip talking about good old Bad Decision Bob and how he couldn't rouse the boys to South Africa. As Chamo and I continued to talk, we discussed Leonardo's seeming lack of affection for Onyewu. Fortunately, I reached the pinnacle of deep thoughts, the apex of brilliance. You see, when you examine the the current players who are starting in front of Onyewu, they each have a palpable connection with the club and nation. Alessandro Nesta is Italian, and has played for Milan for more then five years now, and is a regular with the Italian national team. Kakha Kaladze is not Italian, but makes regular contributions with the Italian national team as he chipped in two own goals when Georgia squared off with Italy in World Cup qualifying only a month ago. This is more goals then he has scored in his entire international career. He has played at Milan for almost ten years. How can Onyewu pass these two men that are clearly quite loyal to both club and Italy? He must connect with the coach on a personal level.

Gooch is not Italian, thank the good Lord almighty, and is not really someone you would confuse for being Italian. Fortunately, his manager, Leonardo is not Italian, and was a successful player with Milan despite being from Brazil. How can Gooch make this connection? His nickname. ?Gooch? does not sound Italian in any way, it sounds much more like a shortening of Oguchi, or a description of the area between your junk and your butthole, the gooch if you will. I like Gooch's nickname, it is fun to yell ?GOOOOOOOOCCCHHHHH? at games and makes him easily identifiable when one is speaking of the monster USMNT defender. In fact, I'm quite a fan of Mr. Gooch all around. Leonardo however, appears not to be. How can we endear Gooch to the Milan leader in this critical time for both Gooch's club and country? By giving him a nickname Leonardo can connect with. Now this may seem simpler said then done, but it isn't. In fact, it is already done. I give you Oguchi ?Donatello? Onyewu. Yep, introducing my main man Donatello to Milan and Leonardo shall solve the problem of both play time and form. The two will have a bond, like brothers, or like turtles that went through mutant slime together.

Now coming to this decision of which Turtle nickname was appropriate was slightly tricky. First, they all have famous Italian artist names that should immediately endear them to AC Milan's loyal fan base. However picking the right one is critical to give Leonardo the right impression. First, Onyewu had to take the name of a Ninja Turtle because his manager has one. There is no connection like being transformed by mutant slime together, by fighting Shredder together, by training with Master Splinter together, and by eating pizza and  hitting on the rather saucy April O'Neil together. Leonardo knows this. We just must remind him. Now the critical connection is which of the remaining three Turtles could Onyewu represent via his new nickname. First, Leonardo is perfect for the manager, which is why I assume his mother named him that, his future path of leading his ?turtles? into battle. As you remember, the song starts with ?Leonardo leads? and that is exactly what he will do. It continues ?Donatello does machines, Raphael is cool but rude, and Michaelangelo is a party dude? Let us analyze the options. Raphael, cool but rude, is probably not the best connection with our fearless leader Leonardo. Having the reputation of being rude, especially with a coach is not likely to help our case to getting on the field. Plus, Gooch is established as being cool, so that isn't a worry. The rude part is worrisome, and realistically not what we are looking for in a nickname. We want a fresh start for Gooch with a good reputation, and cool but rude just isn't gonna cut it.

Michaelangelo, the party dude, is an interesting situation. Chamo wisely pointed out that many stars like Christiano Ronaldo are party dudes, and that party dudes are often the biggest stars. The problem here is that they are generally forwards/attacking minded players, so when they are tired and hungover they don't have to chase back because they don't have a ton of defensive responsibilities. Also, the party dude image is really not helping Gooch's case as he attempts to prove himself to Leonardo. Everyone loves the dude who wants to party, but most people don't start him at center back. For good reason. You want a studious, smart, heady player back there. Who fits that call? My man Donatello. He does machines, which means you know he is sharp. He was also always the level headed turtle, a team player who pulled his weight and was always working hard without a complaint. So clearly, the choice for Oguchi Onyewu and the secret for getting him off the bench and on to the field via the coach-player bonding that will occur is Donatello. No doubt about it.

So let us all pull for our boy Donatello this weekend, even if we don't love AC Milan. DONAAATELLLLLLOOOO do work so that when next weekend comes around, your fitness, just like your nickname, will be spectacular. I give you Oguchi ?Donatello? Onyewu. The man. The myth. The legend.

Special side note: This is clearly fate, just look at how well the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and the United States Men's National Match up. TMNT USMNT. Uncanny.